But It's Not Over Yet...

Rejection. It’s an interesting thing. I would say funny but I don’t find it humorous in any way. It’s weird how one rejection can bring out a life time of rejections. When we accomplish something great, why don’t we remember all of the other great accomplishments we have made? Maybe we do but it just stands out more with rejection. It doesn’t matter who it’s by, it brings back every single instance in your life where you felt unwanted and worthless. Last weekend I was hangin with some people, hoping for some good single fun, when some girls I don’t know decided to judge me. They judged me for making a blog and being silly enough to think that 40 men would date me because they, “couldn’t see it.” They couldn’t see what would attract a man to me. Rejection.


Maybe at first you thought I was overreacting. Maybe you still do. Either way, let me explain. I’ve already shared with you my insecurities and pattern of rejection. Obviously I’ve seen my fair share…I am 30 and single afterall. I’ve never taken it well though. I’m not sure when it started but loving myself has always been a struggle. Even so, I’ve learned a lot about ME in the last ten years and have grown to admire several things about myself. In fact, I even talked myself into believing that a man would be lucky to have me. It’s weird how all that can be shattered by three unknown girls and their judgmental stares and harsh whispers. Here are the stages that I went through and am continuing to struggle with, yet will conquer:

1. Realization. They are talking about ME. They are looking right at ME. They admitted themselves that their comments were, “rude.”

2. Shock. Wow, my deepest fears are being realized. I’m not good enough. Random strangers think I’m ugly and are talking about me right in front of me. Is this Junior High all over again??

3. Anger. Why are girl’s so judgmental of each other? Why are we our harshest critics? Why are these girls judging me when they don’t even know me. I hate them and want to call them bad things on my blog but I don’t want to offend my good friends and ruin my reputation.

4. Hurt. It may have been the 2 hours I spent on the treadmill just after the incriminating comments, but I hurt in every way. How could they ruin what I have worked so hard on for so long? What am I supposed to think of myself now? How can I expect a man to like me when random strangers obviously think I am too ugly. No wonder gentleman #1 doesn’t like me. No wonder every other guy I have every liked has rejected me.

5. Rejection. Every single rejection of my life. They all came back to me. Starting with Gentleman #1 and then heading straight back. Rejection from girls; rejection from guys; rejection from job interviews; rejection from the people I work for, etc., etc…

I suppose it’s just a cycle of all of them from there. To top it off, I feel like I have lost a friend. It was a guy I used to like. I thought I was okay with his rejection because we were still friends. Now, he is pretty much gone. I hate saying goodbye. I hate change. I hate that one minute you can know someone so well and the next you can be complete strangers. I feel his rejection more deeply now than ever. If you know me, please don’t judge me…I’m just trying to be honest. When I invest interest in someone it takes a long time to develop. Then I have a harder time with rejection because I have invested so much time and energy into them. Anyway, I feel like I am saying goodbye to him now and it’s hard. I knew it was coming though. It had to. Soon I will be too old for the YSA scene and will be moving on myself.

Either way, this on top of the other has left me feeling like I am in a black hole while the sun is actually shining around me. I don’t know what to do with myself or what to think of myself now. I do know that I have to move on. Somewhere I have to find the courage to continue this journey that I have started.

So, now that I have gotten that off my chest, from this point on:

I promise to move forward with this project

I promise not to judge other people so harshly

I promise to find the good in life and have fun

I will do my best to listen to what those I respect and love have to say, rather than people I don’t know who don’t deserve my respect, attention, or effort. I’m finding Me again. This week I am going on a trip so I probably won’t post again until I return next week. I look forward to the trip and hope to have some fantastic adventures to share with you later. Boston…I’ve never been there. I hope it’s fun and that I can forget Utah for a few days (except of course my most fantastic friends there).

*Ps...One of these days I will start taking my own pictures and adding them. One day. Just wait.