People often refer to older single's as 'leftovers.' Well, I am no leftover, nor do I deserve to settle for someone that is.

Monday, May 10, 2010

But It's Not Over Yet...

Rejection. It’s an interesting thing. I would say funny but I don’t find it humorous in any way. It’s weird how one rejection can bring out a life time of rejections. When we accomplish something great, why don’t we remember all of the other great accomplishments we have made? Maybe we do but it just stands out more with rejection. It doesn’t matter who it’s by, it brings back every single instance in your life where you felt unwanted and worthless. Last weekend I was hangin with some people, hoping for some good single fun, when some girls I don’t know decided to judge me. They judged me for making a blog and being silly enough to think that 40 men would date me because they, “couldn’t see it.” They couldn’t see what would attract a man to me. Rejection.


Maybe at first you thought I was overreacting. Maybe you still do. Either way, let me explain. I’ve already shared with you my insecurities and pattern of rejection. Obviously I’ve seen my fair share…I am 30 and single afterall. I’ve never taken it well though. I’m not sure when it started but loving myself has always been a struggle. Even so, I’ve learned a lot about ME in the last ten years and have grown to admire several things about myself. In fact, I even talked myself into believing that a man would be lucky to have me. It’s weird how all that can be shattered by three unknown girls and their judgmental stares and harsh whispers. Here are the stages that I went through and am continuing to struggle with, yet will conquer:

1. Realization. They are talking about ME. They are looking right at ME. They admitted themselves that their comments were, “rude.”

2. Shock. Wow, my deepest fears are being realized. I’m not good enough. Random strangers think I’m ugly and are talking about me right in front of me. Is this Junior High all over again??

3. Anger. Why are girl’s so judgmental of each other? Why are we our harshest critics? Why are these girls judging me when they don’t even know me. I hate them and want to call them bad things on my blog but I don’t want to offend my good friends and ruin my reputation.

4. Hurt. It may have been the 2 hours I spent on the treadmill just after the incriminating comments, but I hurt in every way. How could they ruin what I have worked so hard on for so long? What am I supposed to think of myself now? How can I expect a man to like me when random strangers obviously think I am too ugly. No wonder gentleman #1 doesn’t like me. No wonder every other guy I have every liked has rejected me.

5. Rejection. Every single rejection of my life. They all came back to me. Starting with Gentleman #1 and then heading straight back. Rejection from girls; rejection from guys; rejection from job interviews; rejection from the people I work for, etc., etc…



I suppose it’s just a cycle of all of them from there. To top it off, I feel like I have lost a friend. It was a guy I used to like. I thought I was okay with his rejection because we were still friends. Now, he is pretty much gone. I hate saying goodbye. I hate change. I hate that one minute you can know someone so well and the next you can be complete strangers. I feel his rejection more deeply now than ever. If you know me, please don’t judge me…I’m just trying to be honest. When I invest interest in someone it takes a long time to develop. Then I have a harder time with rejection because I have invested so much time and energy into them. Anyway, I feel like I am saying goodbye to him now and it’s hard. I knew it was coming though. It had to. Soon I will be too old for the YSA scene and will be moving on myself.

Either way, this on top of the other has left me feeling like I am in a black hole while the sun is actually shining around me. I don’t know what to do with myself or what to think of myself now. I do know that I have to move on. Somewhere I have to find the courage to continue this journey that I have started.

So, now that I have gotten that off my chest, from this point on:

I promise to move forward with this project

I promise not to judge other people so harshly

I promise to find the good in life and have fun

I will do my best to listen to what those I respect and love have to say, rather than people I don’t know who don’t deserve my respect, attention, or effort. I’m finding Me again. This week I am going on a trip so I probably won’t post again until I return next week. I look forward to the trip and hope to have some fantastic adventures to share with you later. Boston…I’ve never been there. I hope it’s fun and that I can forget Utah for a few days (except of course my most fantastic friends there).

*Ps...One of these days I will start taking my own pictures and adding them. One day. Just wait.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope that you have so much fun in Boston!!! I bet you will have a blast walking and just enjoying what a great accomplishment you have made. Even though I am going to miss you tons I think that this trip will be great for you. My prayers are with you! You are a wonderful, beautiful daughter of God and I know that He is proud of you and what you have done!!!!

Tammy said...

Don't take what these girls said at all serious!! you should instead rely on your friends and family who know you , and I am sure will tell you otherwise! I am sure you are a very bright beautiful girl, and whoever said that.... is just jealous!! Jealousy can spark the rudest of comments, believe me :)

Mariel said...

Ditto! And, for how ugly those girls are on the INSIDE...I wouldn't be surprised if they are rejected on a regular basis! Hasn't your mom ever taught you about bullies? They do it because THEY are insecure. It's really true! They're likely jealous that you actually have a good attitude and are doing something about what bothers you in life...and, having fun with it! They can kiss your butt, and mine too :)

Keep it up, I look forward to reading about your ups and downs during this fun experiment :)

P.S. I'm going to Boston (staying in Marblehead) in a few weeks...so, be sure to fill me in on all the hot spots that you love! I haven't been there since I was really little. Have fun!

Mariel said...

I'm sending some of my Facebook posse your way...right now!

Nichole said...

I'm part of Mariel's "facebook posse" but I have to say that I love the blog. I am a 31 year old single and completely understand how you are feeling! I admire your determination and desire to do all you can for you. There are too many of "those" girls out there and the truth is, there is some guy that is lucky to have you. I am looking forward to seeing how your experiment goes and maybe picking up a tip or two. :)

Livin it up said...

Thank you so much!! Your support (whether I know you or not) means a lot to me. Each person and each comment, either on here, or email, or text, or in person, adds a little bit more confidence back to my step. I've been thinking a lot and wanted to post again but I was packing all night and I'm headed to the airport soon so maybe while I'm in Boston?

Anyway, Tammy, Nichole, thank you so much for commenting. I love knowing that other people are reading. I am so grateful for your support. I think I am ready to get back on this as soon as I get back from Boston. OR maybe I can meet some Harvard hotties?? We'll see!

truth, light, and knowledge said...

I totally agree with what everyone else has said, Teresa. And I totally understand your feelings, too. Rejection doesn't just come in the form of boy/girl, it comes in many forms and I tend to do the same thing. When one bad thing happens, I go back thinking about all the other bad things that have happened. Sometimes life is just hard--even when you're married. I feel like I'm always being rejected by other girls just when it comes to friendship. It's great being married, but women need other women, too, and that's something I haven't found since I got married. It's great being married, but you need friends, too, and I feel like other girls just judge and hate me so I always have this lonely void in my life. Girls (both young and old) are stupid sometimes. I guess we just need to remember that God loves us no matter what and that we just have to keep going even when life is hard and keep hoping that things will be better and work out the way we want them to someday. Anyway, I hope you have fun in Boston and I'm glad you have this blog, too. I'm learning a lot of great things that are helping me in my marriage so keep it up!

Livin it up said...

Thanks! So glad to have you reading! And I know exactly how you feel too. My little sister is married and has the same issues. Don't know what it is sometimes, people are just mean! Not everyone though....I'm so grateful for all the fabulous people reading this blog and other great people I am surrounded by. I am going to try and keep that in focus from now on. Well, I'm off to the freedom trail but I will try to check back in later!

Ces't La Vie said...

Alicia told me to look your blog up, she says your a crack up and told me all about this experiment. GOOD FOR YOU!!! i'm now going to be following your adventure...

Sara

Livin it up said...

Yay...thanks Sara, glad to have you! I will be posting more next week when I get home from Boston!!