People often refer to older single's as 'leftovers.' Well, I am no leftover, nor do I deserve to settle for someone that is.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Great Man # 8

Great rhymes with eight and that is mainly the reason I chose to label this date as such. Wow, date also rhymes. Forgive me. As I write, I have just come home from a long day at church in which I played a violin solo, taught the relief society/priesthood lesson, and then filled up on treats afterword, including a taste of deep fried peanut butter cup. The last was hardly by choice I can assure you. Gentleman #1 and Great #8 ganged up on me and made me do it. So I did. It was pretty gross, I don’t recommend trying it at home. Anyway, as a result of the relief of being done with my priestly duties and eating large amounts of sugar, there’s no telling what may come out in this post.

If you did not read the last post, do so now. If you did read, then you are caught up on my life and may continue. After much trial, it finally came to be the time for my date. Thankfully I had a date to take with me to this pre-planned event! Faith really is the key, despite my sometimes bad attitude and impatience. Anyway, I picked up #8 promptly at 6:46pm and headed toward the freeway and Hale Center Theater. I first had to apologize for making it sound like he was last on my list when I asked him to come with me. See, I have no tact and really need more dating practice. That’s why this project is so good for me. Anyway, he was fine and we easily slid into comfortable conversation.

Number eight is a friend from church. I talk to him there frequently and we have shared some great laughs in the past so I really wasn’t worried about hanging out with him. We talked about our lives, work, school, and all the normal little things you talk about with a friend or a date. We arrived at the theater a little early and were the first of our party of six to get there in fact, so we obtained our tickets from the will call, and waited for everyone else to arrive. We anticipated what we might see and observed other theater goers as they arrived. Finally the other four of our friends and neighbors showed up and we chatted some more, made introductions, and headed into the theater.

Somehow we were separated from the rest of our group. Oh yeah, that’s right, I have the smallest bladder ever and had to make a quick stop before sitting down to view a long play. No worries, nothing about the protective toilet seat covers, or anyone’s unsettled gut made its way into the conversation. No, I just took care of my business and headed for the play. Thank goodness I took care of the bladder though. When we found our seats, they were right in the dead center of an already packed row. We climbed over the old couples and other viewers, and took our seats, waiting to see what the night would hold for us.

Honestly, I was a little skeptical about going to see, “The Three Musketeers.” I knew there would be sword fighting but that’s about it. As a true woman, I was honestly dreading a night of just sword fighting. The opening didn’t disappoint either. It opened with a big sword fighting scene, who would have guessed. Honestly though, it got better and better. The play was hilarious! The night flew by with lots of laughs and smiles. I would highly recommend renting the movie if you haven’t seen it. Well, I haven’t either but I totally plan on renting it myself now.

Number eight and I’s favorite line was when one of the Musketeers was being very serious and dramatic, explaining to another young man about love. He said, very seriously, “love…is the death of all hope.” It was funny, I promise. The best part about our favorite line, was that today in church, our branch President was speaking to us and counseled us to, “never give up hope.” I looked back at him and we both just started laughing. I could seriously hear him trying so hard to keep it in, as was I. It was such a serious moment, as he (the branch pres.) was being released today, but that was just so funny! To us it was funny anyway, and I like that I can come away from a date like that, and still be friends…to be able to look back at the date with fun memories. It was good times. Afterward, I was thinking about all of the things I had to do for today, so I decided just to take him home. I had thought about grabbing some dessert or something, but I was a little stressed so I headed straight for his house.

On the way home, we enjoyed more good conversation. He brought up the subject of dating in fact. We talked a little bit about it and he shared some of his concerns with the pressure put on him in the dating scene. He is young, as I mentioned yesterday, and goes to BYU. He’s pretty focused on his studies and doesn’t appreciate the pressure he feels to get married. I enjoyed hearing his perspective because it is always enlightening to me, to learn where the men are, ya know? The other young man that I was interested in recently, is probably in the same boat. And can I wrong them? No. I like the fact that they are doing the things they need to do with their lives to be successful, and to become the adult they want to be. I have loved the time I have had to grow myself, and to enter the professional world. I cannot wrong a man for wanting the same things.

Don’t get me wrong, once they reach a certain age, they really should have figured it out by then and should be actively seeking a companion. Also, these boys don’t shut out dating opportunities and I know that if the right person came along, they would act on it. I’m just saying that men have their concerns too and I like to know them so I can better appreciate what they are going through. So, we had a fantastic chat and as I was about to his house, I was a little sad I didn’t grab that ice cream, but it was kinda late at that point. Oh well. He really seemed to enjoy himself, as did I. Yay for another date and learning experience. On to more good ones next week, right?!

Saturday, May 29, 2010

So Much Harder than it Should Be…

Why? Why is it sooo hard for me to get a date? I have been stressed about it all week and I’m sure that’s part of the problem, which just stressed me out more. You know what I mean? It’s like when people say, “you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.” I then think, “Oh great, there’s yet ANOTHER reason guys don’t like me!” And then I stress over that. Anyway, I’m just saying that it’s hard to forget about it and not hope that something happens when secretly you do hope that it does. Because people always say, “It happens when you least expect it.” Right. So, I’m just going to try not to expect it so that it happens okay? Seems somewhat contradictory to me but whatever…who am I?

Okay, I know I’ve been on that rant before but it just sort of needed to come out again I guess. Haha. Seriously though, until this afternoon, despite my efforts all week, I did not have a date for tonight. All week I tried to exercise faith, as the dating coach suggests. I went out on a limb a few times. I asked many friends for help, and for some of them to set me up. Nothing…NOTHING was working out my way. I was completely discouraged and frustrated. In fact, I still am…but I have a date. Finally, I called this guy that I had in the back of my mind all week but had several reasons not to ask him.

Here are my reasons for not wanting to call him. Number one, I am totally not interested in him, but do like him as a friend, so I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea…ya know? Secondly, my good friend dated him and another friend used to like him so…I didn’t know if that would be weird for them and since I have no interest in him, it didn’t seem worth risking friendship over. Do know however though, I have my own interests in mind first in this area so if I was interested, I don’t think that I would hesitate, even if a friend was also interested. I love them but hey…I’m over 30 and I don’t mess around! Okay but I am not interested in this one, promise. Finally, my last reason is that he is super young. I believe he is only 23ish??

So, while he is a totally nice kid and super fun, I just felt awkward about asking him to come on a date with me. It came down to desperate measures however, so I swallowed my pride and gave the boy a call. He didn’t answer because seriously, who answers the phone when they don’t recognize the number? Anyway, he called me back after my awesome message in which I was sure to make fun of him for his ringer music. Thankfully he still agreed to go out with me, despite my comments about his choice of musical genre. He sounded a little hesitant but being the nice kid he is, he said, “sure.” I let him know that he was my hero, made the plans to pick him up promptly at 6:45 and hung up the phone. So, I have about an hour until date #8 and that is all I care about right now.

Wow, what a process though. I am still pretty dang determined to get caught up in this project, despite the year being close to half over. It’s summer time. I can go on a date every day. And I will. I just need to find more guys and get more friends to set me up. I’ve thought about some new people that I can maybe harass about finding me a man. Or just politely ask if they know any single men worthy of me anyway. I will inform them of the top 10 things I am looking for in a man, especially the top 5 non-negotiable ones. Maybe I will post them for you soon. Ms. Snell, the dating coach, gave some great suggestions on her blog about creating your own top 10 by the way so check it out here. Okay, wish me luck tonight…I’ll be posting about it soon!!

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Twice Denied but Still Determined!

I need a date and I’m tired of sitting around waiting for one to come along. I understand the rules and all but sometimes, ya just need a date…ya know? It all started Sunday morning at my meeting. The President of my single’s branch had two more free tickets available to see the play this weekend. He offered them to me or another guy (the one who goes to choir). We both seemed like we wouldn’t mind having them so he also said that he had an idea. Despite the fact that I knew what he was going to say, I humored him and asked, “what?” He replied that the two of us could go together. While this situation could potentially be awkward, it didn’t really need to be. Needless to say, this man is not much of a man, and totally made it awkward. He refused to commit one way or the other but his silence said it all.

I understand that he was put on the spot but if he didn’t want to go with me, (which was super obvious) or he had other plans, he should have just come right out and said so. He didn’t have a problem doing that a few weeks ago when I called him to see if he wanted to carpool to choir that night. He said, “no.” He would rather just waste more gas and go on his own. He really said that, no lies! Anyway, while I had said that I was free and was completely normal about the whole thing, he said, “let’s talk about it later.” By the time later came around, I had well thought through the situation and determined that I would not go with him because I deserved some kind of better response in our meeting that what he gave. Now, I’m not saying that there is a good reason that everyone over 25 is still single, but I am saying that there is a good reason he is. But, back to the story. Later actually came around several days following, when he called me and left a message that he would be busy and unable to use the tickets, so I could have them. How nice of him.

Well, that brings me to my next dilemma. I need a date!! Despite his obvious rejection of me (which p.s…I have NEVER had any interest in dating him, but being the more mature person that I am, was totally willing to go out with him once) I was still determined to find a date and move on with this project already. I don’t have any interest in any guys right now so I finally decided that asking one would not be the worst thing in the world because I don’t need them to necessarily like me back anyway. So, I set out to find number eight on my own, because he is not looking for me right now. I was determined! More determined than I have been in a long time in fact! I will get a date, I will.

Last night, I was looking through my facebook friends trying to decide what to do. When in doubt, always scroll through your facebook friends. It’s the answer to everything. Anyway, I came across this guy that I had thought about, but didn’t know if I should ask. See, once again, I have never actually met him. The reason we are friends is because I know someone who knows him and wanted me to add him. She thought I should go out with him. He is actually an LDS recording artist with a couple CD’s out. He’s pretty good with a very soothing man voice. Anyway, I totally asked him to come sing in my branch quite some time ago and he was going to, but other things got in the way and it never worked out. I haven’t talked to him since (that was probably a year ago).

Well, last night I decided to get brave and send him a little email of love asking him to go with me and my free tickets, to the play this weekend. I figured, what does it hurt, I don’t even know the guy and if he rejects me, it’s not like I’ll have to see him. Also, who cares right?? I pushed send and tried not to give it much more thought. Well, that is until I woke up this morning and realized what I had done! I immediately checked my email, not to be disappointed, with a message waiting from him. He was very kind but already has plans. Denied…again! It’s okay though, he honestly was very nice about it and I don’t feel hurt by his rejection at all. Now, I just feel like I am back to square one. Who will be my date? The only guys I know are seriously under 25 or gay. I love them all, I just don’t think they want to go out with me. Any ideas? I will have a date to write about on here this weekend…I promise! One way or another, I really will!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

How's My Driving?

Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with my driving. Rather, I thought I’d take another look at the old side bar on the left and let you know what I was up to these days. Don’t think that just because I was on vacation, I forgot all about my goals. I worked on one while I was in Boston in fact. And quite honestly, it was a very appropriate place to work on it. Boston happens to be a pretty famous place. It is one of the most historical places in our country. Being so important to us, and rather large, they have some well-known sports teams. Since it is baseball season, I thought it appropriate to become a little more acquainted with the sport. Awhile back, when I went out with the baseball fan, I decided that I should probable start by choosing a team. The Boston Red Sox immediately came to mind for several reasons. And I will share those with you now.

Reasons I should be a Red Sox Fan:

1. They like the color red, and so do I.

2. They are from Boston, the city that was kind enough to give me a Master’s degree.

3. They have one of the oldest baseball parks still operating…and that’s pretty cool.

4. I also like green because my eyes are green, and they have a huge green wall at Fenway that they call, “The Green Monster.”

5. I’ve heard of Babe Ruth (good candy bars too!) and he totally played for them.

(Yay, I finally put up one of my own photos...cause just look at that photography skill!)

Well, I’m still working on my list but so far, Boston is the clear choice for me. So, since I am a Red Sox fan, it was only appropriate for me to take the Fenway Park tour while I was in town. Actually, I stayed only a few blocks away from the park and just walked on over one day. It was beautiful! Baseball fan or not, it is pretty awesome to be in a place so steeped with history! I was even going to buy myself a Red Sox hat while in town but never found the perfect one. Dang it! I’ll get one soon because it seems like you should sport a hat for the team you follow, right??

In other baseball news, I’m reading up on the current Red Sox team so that I can sound a little more like an intelligent fan when someone asks. Also, it’s good to know what’s going on. So, they have a great website that I’m checkin out to keep me up on their current situation. Also, I’m hoping to go to a Bee’s game real soon. The Bees are our local SLC baseball team. I believe they are home next week so…anyone up for a game? Or maybe I should get a date!! I’ve got a lot of ground to make up on that goal…

P.S…my knowledge did come in handy last week at church. I was talking to a boy there about the Red Sox and he thought that The Green Monster was something else. I informed him that it was the big wall at Fenway Park. He didn’t know. I did!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Murderers of Love

The good part about being single so long, is that you build up a huge reservoir of stories from horrendous dates; stories for a rainy day or just an interesting blog post. Dates that leave you with your jaw on the ground as you wonder in your confused state, what the H word that was! As I reflect on my single life thus far, I am quite amused to look back in wonder at the appalling things that some people get away with in the dating world. The question now is, where do I begin?? Do I begin with the 8th grade, where my curse began? Or do I just jump right in to my 20’s where most of the good stories played out. You don’t want to miss anything? Okay then, 8th grade it is.

It all started in the 8th grade with John Moe (an alias of course, completely original to keep his identity safe). John was an interesting (and not in a good way) boy. Interesting in deed. He didn’t have many friends; well, none really. It had something to do with the pink shorts he always wore with the tye dyed shirts and thick glasses securely attached to his head area with a rainbow colored string. He had a severe case of acne and some dandruff to top it off...literally! As if that wasn’t enough, his behaviors were somewhat spastic, and a little weird to be quite honest. People made fun of him. Being the sweet young soul that I once was, I befriended this John Moe because I felt bad for him. I didn’t go to great lengths; I just smiled at him and talked to him in our advanced math class. Even the teacher gave me strange looks.

It didn’t take long for my niceness and generosity to backfire. Don’t worry, I learned my lesson and I am no longer nice to lonely souls in need of a friend. Okay, not true…it’s just hard when they are of the male gender. Anyway, back to the story. One day, John Moe handed me a note and walked away. I knew that couldn’t be good. Lunch was coming up and I was feeling sick because I knew what the note would say when I opened it up. It read, “Will you go out with me?” My heart sank. These things really worried me when I was younger. I knew immediately that a rejection was necessary. My kind heart did not like to have to perform such tasks but when I saw him hopefully glance in my direction across the cafeteria I just shook my head at him and mouthed in slow motion the words, “noooooo John Moe, nooooooo.” We were no longer friends and thus the curse of my dating life began. So, on to awkward, entertaining, disgusting, and sometimes just outright wrong, stories of me and the men who have left small imprints in my life.

Awkward Moments: First there was Billy who sat too close to me in the booth at the Mexican restaurant. He pinned me between himself and the wall. By the end of the night I’m pretty sure I had some inappropriate relations with that wall. No two objects could get any closer, that’s for sure…what a make-out, the wall and me. Then there was Jack, who on our hiking trip wasn’t much of a conversationalist so I asked him what else he liked to do, to which he replied, “have sex.” He was divorced with two children so he had some knowledge in the area. That’s great but…how do you respond to that?? Faith Hill (ya, you know who you are) don’t respond to that! And next, a date that involved an hour long car ride both ways and a short activity, in all of which contained maybe a minutes worth of talking (we were young!). Ah, and then there was the boy who put his full head in his arms and screamed like a girl when I may have run a red light. Hey, I stopped at it first…I was tired and wanted to go home! Etc, Etc…

The winner of the ‘wrong’ category goes to Mr. Revelation. When I lived in a small town, he lived in a small neighboring town. One night he showed up at a YSA activity that I did not attend. He asked around to find out who was missing. When my name came up, he began the rumor that he was ‘inspired’ to meet me. He called people and spread the word, easily hooking a few and drawing them into his side. These innocent folks tried their hardest to help him out, giving him my phone number, calling me, and even taking emails from him to pass on to me. One such email read like this:

“I am appreciative that you called, “Livin it Up.” In regards to this situation I feel as if my time frame is quite patient. The YSA activity on the 7th of January is kind of my due date (if it is at all possible to put a due date on people). I at least would like to have her be informed of the situation so that she knows to at least come to an activity. Thank you for your help thus far in this regard.

As you may have noticed, I have emailed you a photo of myself. I will write a short synopsis of my life a little bit later. I will admit that when it comes to meeting girls initially, I prefer to keep electronical communication to a minimum.”

Well friends, needless to say, I did not feel that same inspiration. When I turned the page and viewed the attached photo, it did nothing to help that cause. While I sound completely shallow and judgmental right now, I was honestly a little creeped out by this one and slightly annoyed. Hence, I made sure that even a meeting never occurred!

And now, for the grand finale…you get an entire date’s worth of story. The date itself seemed like an eternity. We went to Lagoon (the local amusement park). First of all, I was tricked into going out with this ‘older man’ so it was not by choice that I actually accepted. On the way there he said to me in his super manly, Kermit the frog type voice, “I’m glad to be dating a fellow musician.” It was quite formal. Let me jump ahead to the end of the date for a moment and tell you just what kind of musician he was. He was a singer as it turned out. His name was Ken. I won’t give you a last name and I will just hope that it was so long ago that this blog will not actually be traced back to him because he was a nice guy and I don’t want to defame him in anyway, just share a little about our journey together. Yes, Ken was a singer, and after a LONG day at Lagoon, on the endless journey home, he put in a CD of him harmonizing with Enya. He called it, “Kenya.” Ever since, he has been know as just that, my friend Kenya.

After one particular ride with Kenya, I expressed my need to use the restroom really quickly and he proceeded to agree that he needed to as well. He said, “I hope they have those protective seat covers!” Keep in mind that I just met the man. Then, he grabbed his stomach, hunched over slightly, and said, “Ohhhh be still my gut!” Wow, and then I ended up waiting for him. Sick. I mean, I know we all do it but really? Really??

Later that evening his parents joined us for dinner. What a nice treat for me. It wasn’t awkward at all (yes, that was sarcastic!). In fact I loved that they loved me so much and were imagining me as their future daughter in law but really, enough was enough, I really just wanted to get outta there! So finally we did. And we listened to love songs by Kenya all the way home. Longest ride/date of my life!!

So friends, there you have it. These men are my murderers of love. Okay, I am sure that I have totally contributed to several men’s reservoirs of horrendous date stories as well. I of course just chose to look at mine this time. Here’s to better luck in my future. Better luck with #8, wherever he may be. And if not, then here’s to more good stories to share in the future!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Men Like These

Boston was fantastic! I absolutely LOVED it, and really hated coming back! Here I am though, and I guess I’m just ready to move on. Before I left for my trip I was watching Rachel Ray one morning again. She said something to the effect that if you don’t forgive people, you are only hurting yourself. You know the line right? It’s true though. I realized that I needed to move on, otherwise I was letting those girls win. Those girls happen to be friends with one of my good friends as well. I like her! So, I realized that they must have some good qualities, otherwise she wouldn’t be friends with them. So, instead of stooping to their level in a stupid and thoughtless moment, I have decided to stop judging them, try to stop judging myself, and move on. Boston was a great way to get that started!

I must say however, that upon my arrival in the good city of Boston, as I walked in to the apartment where I was to stay I was a bit intimidated. The girls that were putting me up seemed nice, but were really pretty. I couldn’t help being worried that they would be judging me. It was hard to put aside my fears and not act like a little girl. With great effort, I took a deep breath and put on my best face, ignoring the negative feelings that kept trying to keep me from having a good time. The trip turned out wonderfully and I eventually forgot about those girls, Utah, and the life I had left behind. I had fun!!!

One particular part of the trip was quite amusing and wonderful…Sunday. Church day. We attended church at a single’s ward, right by Harvard. I absolutely loved Cambridge by the way. I kept wishing I had thought to be smart enough when I was younger to go there. Nice place for sure. Anyway, the ward was fun. People seemed pretty nice. They were all very well dressed which was kind of fun to see. I love that fashion is so prevalent in Boston. Anyway, at church they announced that later that evening, the elder’s quorum would be feeding the girls for dinner that evening. Yes…free dinner and a chance to mingle!!

When we arrived at the house where this dinner was to take place, two of the nice young gentlemen in the elder’s quorum were standing out on the street in front of a very official looking, “Valet Parking” sign. Yes, that’s right, they thought of everything, including a valet. Inside there were a great number of men slaving over pots of varying sauces and pastas in the kitchen. Outside it was one of the most beautiful days I have ever witnessed and tables and chairs were in abundance in the back yard. Girls were everywhere, mingling and preparing for the much anticipated meal.

We soon found a seat and it wasn’t long before another nice elder’s quorum member came by to take our order. They had quite the variety for this Italian feast. It was fantastic. Along with the pasta, they also served salad and homemade bread (seriously, made by a man). I put in my order for meal and drink and sat back to take in the whole picture of the event. It was fantastic. Men walking around in aprons, wearing dish towels, doing their best to make each woman feel well taken care of and happy! When the meal arrived, it did not disappoint; it was delightful. While cheesecake, or any dessert for that matter, would have really finished off the meal and made it perfect, I have to give these guys props for successfully pulling off such an event and making a lot of women happy. When we finished eating, they came around and bused our tables, taking our garbage and making sure we enjoyed our meal. Good times!

Jealous! Really, it seems like the boys respect us enough here but how awesome to have them cheerfully go all out for the women. I took pictures to bring back to Utah. So that I will always remember that there are some great guys out there, and just in case I ever have an opportunity to whip out one of ‘em around our elder’s quorum! Haha. Just kidding, it was really fun though.

The best part…I let myself be myself. Annoying or not. I had some fun with the guys. I even got snapped with a dishtowel by the hottest guy there. I’m a little sarcastic and may have let that come out a slightly. This particular hot man asked if we needed anything else, well after our garbage had been collected. I was like, “yeah, we didn’t get any food yet!” He looked shocked! I quickly laughed and let him know I was kidding, hence the dishtowel maneuver he pulled. I had a great time! Hoping to find more good times like these with men soon. Men who have style and class…like these ones!

Monday, May 10, 2010

But It's Not Over Yet...

Rejection. It’s an interesting thing. I would say funny but I don’t find it humorous in any way. It’s weird how one rejection can bring out a life time of rejections. When we accomplish something great, why don’t we remember all of the other great accomplishments we have made? Maybe we do but it just stands out more with rejection. It doesn’t matter who it’s by, it brings back every single instance in your life where you felt unwanted and worthless. Last weekend I was hangin with some people, hoping for some good single fun, when some girls I don’t know decided to judge me. They judged me for making a blog and being silly enough to think that 40 men would date me because they, “couldn’t see it.” They couldn’t see what would attract a man to me. Rejection.

Maybe at first you thought I was overreacting. Maybe you still do. Either way, let me explain. I’ve already shared with you my insecurities and pattern of rejection. Obviously I’ve seen my fair share…I am 30 and single afterall. I’ve never taken it well though. I’m not sure when it started but loving myself has always been a struggle. Even so, I’ve learned a lot about ME in the last ten years and have grown to admire several things about myself. In fact, I even talked myself into believing that a man would be lucky to have me. It’s weird how all that can be shattered by three unknown girls and their judgmental stares and harsh whispers. Here are the stages that I went through and am continuing to struggle with, yet will conquer:

1. Realization. They are talking about ME. They are looking right at ME. They admitted themselves that their comments were, “rude.”

2. Shock. Wow, my deepest fears are being realized. I’m not good enough. Random strangers think I’m ugly and are talking about me right in front of me. Is this Junior High all over again??

3. Anger. Why are girl’s so judgmental of each other? Why are we our harshest critics? Why are these girls judging me when they don’t even know me. I hate them and want to call them bad things on my blog but I don’t want to offend my good friends and ruin my reputation.

4. Hurt. It may have been the 2 hours I spent on the treadmill just after the incriminating comments, but I hurt in every way. How could they ruin what I have worked so hard on for so long? What am I supposed to think of myself now? How can I expect a man to like me when random strangers obviously think I am too ugly. No wonder gentleman #1 doesn’t like me. No wonder every other guy I have every liked has rejected me.

5. Rejection. Every single rejection of my life. They all came back to me. Starting with Gentleman #1 and then heading straight back. Rejection from girls; rejection from guys; rejection from job interviews; rejection from the people I work for, etc., etc…

I suppose it’s just a cycle of all of them from there. To top it off, I feel like I have lost a friend. It was a guy I used to like. I thought I was okay with his rejection because we were still friends. Now, he is pretty much gone. I hate saying goodbye. I hate change. I hate that one minute you can know someone so well and the next you can be complete strangers. I feel his rejection more deeply now than ever. If you know me, please don’t judge me…I’m just trying to be honest. When I invest interest in someone it takes a long time to develop. Then I have a harder time with rejection because I have invested so much time and energy into them. Anyway, I feel like I am saying goodbye to him now and it’s hard. I knew it was coming though. It had to. Soon I will be too old for the YSA scene and will be moving on myself.

Either way, this on top of the other has left me feeling like I am in a black hole while the sun is actually shining around me. I don’t know what to do with myself or what to think of myself now. I do know that I have to move on. Somewhere I have to find the courage to continue this journey that I have started.

So, now that I have gotten that off my chest, from this point on:

I promise to move forward with this project

I promise not to judge other people so harshly

I promise to find the good in life and have fun

I will do my best to listen to what those I respect and love have to say, rather than people I don’t know who don’t deserve my respect, attention, or effort. I’m finding Me again. This week I am going on a trip so I probably won’t post again until I return next week. I look forward to the trip and hope to have some fantastic adventures to share with you later. Boston…I’ve never been there. I hope it’s fun and that I can forget Utah for a few days (except of course my most fantastic friends there).

*Ps...One of these days I will start taking my own pictures and adding them. One day. Just wait.

Friday, May 7, 2010


“Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t just don’t shoot their husbands. They just don’t.” I just finished a 2 ½ hour workout and I can’t say that I am necessarily happy. Before you read this post however, don’t go thinking that I’m all suicidal and stuff because I’m not. I’m just done. Done with this today. Done trying to be good enough. Done with stupid girls who think that they have a right to judge others. I never said you weren’t prettier than me, or skinnier than me…that you don’t sing better, or act less socially awkward. I started the blog for me. For me to heal. But you wouldn’t know that, because you don’t know me. You don’t know that your one thoughtless comment erased 10 years of mileage finding me. But hey, you win. The guys aren’t approaching me. They don’t want to date me. They never did. So why you ask, why do I get dates? How? I don’t. The end.

I just happen to be a girl, just like you. A girl that had a silly idea that maybe I deserved love too. But ya know what, I don’t need a man. I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. I just want to be alone…away from people that think that all of life is a competition. That life never evolves past high school. I’m done.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Wandering Aimlessly

I’ve had a desire to find a man for as long as I can remember. Of course I had other goals too; we’ve talked about this. The thing is, I have been wandering around looking for him without direction. Today I feel slightly more directed for a number of reasons. The main reason is that I have been reading the blog that Utah’s Dating Coach does. I told you about her before…Alisa Goodwin Snell. Recently I attended a fireside where she spoke and then I bought her book a few weeks later. I still haven’t read the book because I have been processing all of the other information that I have read from fellow experts on the subject. That brings me to the other reason I feel more direction in this process. All of this study of what the experts say is starting to stick in my every day thoughts.

Anyway, the point is that I have a more personal connection now. This lady, for starters ,is a woman. So am I. Today was the first time that I realized that she was the only woman expert I have read. Of course I have loved the books and advice from the men too because it’s nice to know what men are thinking and who knows better than men themselves?? Alisa though, she can relate to me because I am a woman. She is also of the same faith and resides here within the same culture that I do, giving her and I more in common. So, as I read her advice that is freely given in the blog, I feel like it is more catered to me specifically.

Some of the things that she advises (which are also in her book) include making goals, having faith, and making a top ten list of the qualities you are looking for in a man. In this week’s blog she also talks about identifying our fears, and will later address how to use faith to overcome them. There are three lovely single ladies, like myself, participating in the blog, and they share their stories and what they are working on. Along the way, Alisa gives advice. I love it because I too can work on what they are working on. I fully plan on participating as much as I can. In this way, it’s like I am getting my own personal dating coach…except that she doesn’t really know me. That’s okay though. I can try her techniques and see where it gets me. I am also hoping to attend one of her workshops with some friends this summer so anyone that’s interested, leave me a comment!

Well, I think that I’ve been quite the slacker lately at goal making. I’m glad for some direction here. One girl on the blog had some fabulous goals, which I want to try and do myself this week. They involve praying to be more aware of single men, where they are, when I am near them and being more approachable to them. Confession: today at the gym…I realized that I may scowl at men there. I don’t know why, I think I’m just self-conscious. Just because I just got out of bed, put on my workout clothes, and drove to the gym, doesn’t mean I can’t practice smiling at men though. It’s not like they were looking at me in an unfriendly way, they were just looking in my direction. So, even when I’m at the gym, I’m gonna put on my happy face and show those men my pearly yellows! Someday maybe I’ll whiten them.

Okay, goal number two (there are three…in case you’re wondering how long we will be here). The second goal, I believe, was to research or participate in ways to find or finding activities at least 5 days a week. Today I joined a hiking group. Yay. It looks like they do hikes frequently so we’ll see how that goes. I probably won’t be able to go for a little while though, because right now my schedule is crazy!! I’ll see if I can fit it in soon. Meanwhile, I am totally considering trying out an older single’s ward on Sunday, and I have some fun events planned for the weekend. No worries, I will definitely be blogging about them. It should be a fun-filled, finding-filled weekend. I can feel #’s 8,9, and 10 just around the corner!

Finally, Alisa advised that I make a top ten list. I have thought about this all day. This is what gives me direction. You have to know what you are looking for right? I mean, I’ve had a general idea, but putting it down on paper really solidifies it. Also, it is easier to tell people what you are looking for when you have a list. They can judge me for being picky all they want but if his qualities are not on my list, then he’s out. This is especially true of the top five which are supposed to be non-negotiable.

So, there you have it. I am walking down an actual road now. It’s the road the men live on I’m sure! As for you, raise your hand if you are reading my blog and not following it? All you gotta do is click the button to the right and you get to be my follower too. You should also tell your friends about me because it seems like the right thing to do! Look at that, I have already given you two goals for the week. Hmmm, a third? Well, find me a man with my top ten and I’ll love you forever! I will post them as soon as I finish and solidify the list.

Ps…Do you like the new song? So cute huh! Don’t worry, Michael will be back. We are just taking a break for a minute while I try to become more blog savvy….yikes!