The Evolution of Me

Through months of contemplation about life and my purpose, one thing I have learned is that we are all different and each of us has our own unique plan. My whole life has been spent for me, doing what I want to do. Don’t completely misunderstand me; I have done my fair share of serving others. I’ve enjoyed my life and tried to always make the most of it. From my earliest recollections I had goals and plans for my future. Most of those goals have been fulfilled. Two have not. As I have reached the turning point of entering the 30’s, I realized that my life needed to take another turn; a turn that was not easy for me. You see, despite the fact that I am 30, prior to the last few months, I had not dated much. Sure I’ve had plenty of guy friends and first dates here and there, but nothing serious. I know that when the time is right, I will have the opportunity to marry and have a family, thus fulfilling my last two childhood goals.

By entering into this challenge/project to date 40 guys however, I am not trying to push marriage upon myself at the wrong time. I am one of the biggest advocates for making sure marriage is right, before entering into its bonds. One of my biggest pet peeves if you will, is people marrying young and quickly. I know, I shouldn’t judge, but do you really know the person after one month of dating? What I’m trying to say is, despite my lack of experience in the relationship world, I have learned a great deal by observation of others, studying, and my own contemplation. It’s not something that I want just to have. It’s something that I think is very special and worthy of careful selection. So, I hope that you do not misunderstand my intentions in this project.

What are my intentions? Well, let me explain a little further. I have always been quite shy. My instinct is to pull within myself rather than to reach out. This project was designed to help me overcome some of these challenges that I face. I am not trying to overly pursue men. My hope is that one day, a man will find me worthy of pursuing. And mostly right now that just makes me want to cry because I have never felt that I am. I have never felt that because I have never witnessed it from a normal, decent man. Therefore, I am trying to be more outgoing and available in hopes of getting more dates, learning more about myself, and trying new things. In the process, I am making new goals for myself and just trying to live life to the fullest, no matter what happens. I am fully aware that I may not find my husband this year or this decade. I can’t leave the year or the decade for that matter, knowing that I didn’t do my part. How can God bless me when I am sitting at home watching chick flicks every night? Some nights that’s great but I feel like my man is more likely to find me out of my house than in. Unless he is some sort of door to door salesman, in which case…I think I’ll pass and find out what Grandma has found for me.

My other goals are still moving along…mostly slowly. Tonight was my first night at my new volunteering job and it was pretty fun. This guy there that I was conversing with kept preachin’ up the Bible to me so it made me really want to get back on that goal a little stronger. I’ve just found so many other interesting things to study lately, so I don’t really feel too bad. Right now my goal to read the Old Testament is just to read it through for now. I have studied it more in depth in the past. I will try to get what I can from it as I go along and continue my other gospel studies as well. I seriously just want to have a read-a-thon one of these days though, to see how far I can get. I think that it is going to take me more like two years rather than one to finish it but I am completely okay with that. I just want to read it through at least once in my life.

While I am mostly frustrated with boys and men this week, my date for Friday is still a go. I talked to him tonight and we made a plan. I’m excited because we will be doing something fun and because there is no pressure involved. Thanks goodness for that! As for now however, I have to finish getting ready for a house full of nieces and nephews to show up so I’m out for tonight.