People often refer to older single's as 'leftovers.' Well, I am no leftover, nor do I deserve to settle for someone that is.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Girl in My Head

Obsess: “Preoccupy someone to a disturbing extent.” –Oxford Dictionary of Current English

Disturbing indeed. I am disturbed. Slightly. Why? Because of the girl in my head. I’m not her and therefore fight a constant battle of who I am versus who she is, and why I’m not good enough as opposed to why she is. We all do this right? It is completely normal?? Even when one should be mature and has reached beyond the age of thirty? Well good.

One of my favorite musicals is “Wicked.” Yes, another small obsession…well, it used to be anyway. There is a song I love, mostly because its range reaches quite low (and I like that!), but also because I relate. I often relate. It’s titled, “I’m Not That Girl.” I haven’t listened to it in awhile but as I was going through some of my music tonight, I came across it and thought how fitting it was for my current state of mind. It speaks of a similar battle between two women. I think that everyone at some point has felt the same. Here are the lyrics:

Hands touch, eyes meet

Sudden silence, sudden heat

Hearts leap in a giddy whirl

He could be that boy

But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far

Don't lose sight of who you are

Don't remember that rush of joy

He could be that boy

I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal

To the land of what-might-have-been

But that doesn't soften the ache we feel

When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb

She who's winsome, she wins him

Gold hair with gentle curl

That's the girl he chose

And heaven knows

I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start

Wishing only wounds the heart

I wasn't born for the rose and pearl

There's a girl I know

He loves her so

I'm not that girl...

So, without being too overly dramatic, I just wanted to say that I feel similarly about a certain girl, a winsome girl with blonde hair with a gentle curl. I don’t like her. I have a friend who chose her over me. He sometimes still does and while maybe he is not interested in either of us, I still find myself obsessed with comparison between the two of us. I hate the way that she makes me feel like the things I do and have are not good enough. I hate it without even really knowing her. I hate every time he tells me anything about her, or I see anything about her on facebook. For some reason, I look at who she is and what she does, and feel like I have to be interested in the same things and I wonder why I didn’t think to do the things she has done. Even if it’s as silly as owning about a million pairs of shoes and having a whole album devoted to them on facebook. I mean, I like shoes too. But seriously…

And then I remember, I have done a lot of really awesome things. I know a lot, I live, and I am NICE. Maybe I don’t look like her…thank goodness because she has perma-biotch face (sorry!)…but I still look okay. I am beautiful in my way, and she probably is in hers. Since I don’t know her properly, it’s difficult to tell. The moral of the story is that I have to sit down and list what makes me so great, and remember that I am unique and happy to be. If everyone were the same…this world would be extra lame, right?! Sure he didn’t choose me but…someday, somebody will. The right guy will, and he will appreciate my differences from her because it’s who I AM. It’s like the number one truth I found on the Utah Dating Coach’s blog. It reads:

“The kind of person I’m lookin for is looking for someone like me. They will see me for what I have to offer and will respond to and invest in me.” Yessss… I have to keep this perspective and be calm knowing that the future holds a greatness for me that I cannot yet fathom.

Then I also wonder…does she do the same thing about me? I mean, she obviously doesn’t like me. The few times I have met her have not been super pleasant. I was nice, she was not. That’s all I have to say about that. So, is she comparing? Is she secretly stalking me and wishing that she had some of my awesomeness? I’d like to think so…just so we are all even! Either way, I’m glad to be me. Now, moving on to more positivity and hopefully some more adventure in my life…after I get rid of this sickness that is currently plaguing my lungs!


Mariel said...

Okay, I don't know what SHE thinks about you, but I am ALWAYS impressed by you! You're beautiful, have an amazing attitude, a gift for music and writing, and you're're nice! I love how you are such a good sport to try new things and step out of your comfort zone. I love that you are always trying to better yourself and prepare yourself for your future husband.

Who is this lame guy, anyway?? Did you go out with #14 again?

I'm not worried about you, one bit. You've got too much going on for yourself! It's just a matter of time until the right one comes along.

Livin it up said...

Thanks!! Sometimes you just get caught in comparing you know? It doesn't do any good. Lame guy? Well, I confess, it's #13. We are friends and we have a lot of fun. It was just weird for a little while there and he kind of stopped hanging out with me and started hanging out with her a ton (an ex)and yeah. I didn't talk to him much for a few weeks. But now we talk and hang out sometimes and it's all good. I just don't like her. :) Oh well.

As for #14, I haven't said a lot about him because he has been on my blog. He got the link from the person who set him up and I doubt he has been back on but, still hesitate to say much. That being said, I really don't think we will go out again. He is not what I am looking for and I sense that I am also not what he is looking for. And that is okay. It was fun to meet someone new and in an unconventional way!

Nichole said...

You know, I have found that being older and still dating it is harder to keep in mind how awesome you are. I find myself looking at other girls and being frustrated by them for catching the eye of someone I want looking at me. Keeping that "I am awesome and someone, the right one, will see that and all will be awesome" frame of mind.

What I do have to say is this, you are pretty awesome. You have done some pretty amazing things (and I hardly know about any of them!) and you are a well rounded person. Keep working on it and the truth is, even if she isn't the one stalking you, there is always someone who wishes they were more like you and that they had thought of doing some thing you did before you did it.

Livin it up said...

Thank you Nichole! Once again, it is always nice to know you are not alone in this!

And to both of you, it is also nice once in awhile to see who you are through others' eyes in a positive light. Thanks for reminding me of the good things about me and for your continued encouragement. I know...I am a needy person in this way sometimes!! :) One of my many problems with men. Ahhh, oh well.

And to all...I've considered creating myself a dating resume. Just for fun, and to remind myself of my own great qualifications for a super fantastic marriage. What do ya think? I'm not gonna give it to the men...well maybe :)...but just kinda for myself. How bout we all do this together and come up with an awesome format k! It's like those silly applications guys have sometimes. Or they joke about anyway. No need to fill em out if we already have an amazing resume!