The Experts Say...

You know the movie, “Hitch?” It’s all about dating and doing it the right way. In the beginning, as Hitch narrates the story of what’s to come, he says, “basic principles...” and then goes on the list the things that you should do to score a relationship. In the end of the movie he comes back to this line and says, “Basic principles: there are none.” What works for some may not work for others. The awkward guy in the movie ended up with a beautiful woman that appreciated him for who he was. I’m seriously praying for a similar miracle. I mean, it happened in the movie, it can totally happen for me! It seems like no matter what I know to be right and wrong, when it counts, I always say the wrong things. I guess that’s why this project is good for me but I feel like I’m going to eventually run out of guys and still be the awkward girl that I am. Either way, I am doing my best to be aware of my flaws and to better control them and work the dating scene a little more effectively. I have a long way to go! My research continues however, and I am determined to make noticeable progress. That said, my latest advice comes from the book, “Crash Course in Love.” Have you ever seen the VH1 show called, “Tough Love?” The guy who hosts the show (Steve Ward) wrote this book. He and his mom are experts in the love field and call themselves professional matchmakers. Wow, what a job! Anyway, they say it like it is without holding anything back. I wish they were here to coach me on my dating but they’re not, so I will just rely on the general advice that they give in their book.

The first section of the book covers dating. It contains all sorts of fun facts on this topic. For my purposes, I would say that this part of the book is most relevant, so what I will be posting now will mainly come from this section. Early on in the book, Mr. Ward shares what he calls, the Michael Jordan rule. It states that, “You will miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take” (p.19). This is the first thing to remember in dating and a rule that I know try to keep in mind as I peruse the crowds of single men waiting to meet me. Seriously, how many times can you think back in your life to missed opportunities. I know I have plenty more than I would like to. We are adults now though. No one else is going to do the work for us. Mr. Ward says that “you have to be confident enough to close the physical gap between you and casually ask an innocent question.” His favorite is, “Are you single? No matter what the response is, you should always say politely and cutely, ‘well you shouldn’t be’” (p.18). So, my new goal is not to let opportunities pass me by. There are eligible men everywhere, it’s true. I’ve seen ‘em, I just like to deny it and pretend that there aren’t sometimes. It gets me off the hook. Anyway, taking a shot certainly moves me closer to the direction I want to go than just standing by on the sidelines while everyone else scores repeatedly.
Once we meet the men, the next challenge is getting your flirt on right? Sometimes it is for me. Other times it comes naturally. Either way, Mr. Ward gives a few tips to remember when you’re trying to send out a positive vibe. He suggests 5 key things to do when flirting:
1. Smile

2. Make eye contact.

3. Flatter

4. Take Charge (Take the conversation where you want it to go. If you want him to call, give him your number. If you want to call him, ask for his.)

5. Act gracefully (If he’s unavailable or uninterested, maintain your poise and just pretend you never started flirting in the first place.)
Great tips! These should be easy enough to remember as well. Okay, besides flirting, you have to make an impression. Whether we like it or not, much of this impression has to do with our looks. Steve says, “Make sure the image you project reflects how you want to be perceived.” He also warns that, “It’s nearly impossible to change someone’s perception if you make a bad first impression” (p.50-51). His tips for making a great first impression besides looking your best are to:
1. Smile

2. Listen

3. Focus (Be present. Don’t play with your phone or have your hands in your pockets.)

4. Be positive (Be open. Be agreeable. Dating is a great opportunity to broaden your horizons and experience things you haven’t had the opportunity to experience before.)

5. Be sexy (Sexy to a man means confident, fun, and approachable.)

Some final advice from the Wards on dating, “Never be neutral. You should have opinions. You don’t have to be argumentative, but always agreeing with a man is not going to make him more attracted to you. Dating a woman who always agrees with you is boring” (p.28). It’s all about getting in the door right? Once I find one that is normal that I can get in the door with, I will need to focus more on keeping that door open. For now however, these are some helpful bits of advice to remember as I plan my next finding strategies.

Hunting...in Provo

Location: Center Street and Comedy Sportz

Yesterday, while stalking random people on facebook, I came across a conversation between two 18 year old girls. One said to the other, “The weather has been pretty nice so far actually no -30s quite yet. We are in the single digits though....Haha, I’ve never heard that joke before!!” So I wonder, is this a joke made to make fun of those who are single and 30? Maybe it was the already self-pitying mood I was in but that’s how I took it. I secretly cursed those stupid girls and hope that they end up 30 and single and try to make the most of it. Just try to live it up and be as strong as the rest of us are!! Someday you will see… Okay, I was totally frustrated with my life and how I never seem to get the dating game right and I don’t know, I just started tearing everything about myself apart. I was just hangin out alone and I guess it was just one of those days. Everyone has ‘em right? It’s okay to have a bad, off day once in awhile.

Anyway, after my bad day of self pity, and loathing the stupidity of the young, I decided to go out to see a friend perform at Comedy Sportz in Provo. It seemed like a good time to check the place out and scope out the crowd that frequents the place. I set out with a good friend in tow, not knowing what we would find, but committing to be bold if any opportunities with the opposite sex arose. When we arrived, we were a little early so we decided to take on the streets of Provo…or at least go for a walk anyway. There were actually quite a few other fellow wanderers roaming the street as well. One wanderer in particular definitely noticed us. He headed into a nearby bar and while just inside the door, looked out as we passed and gave us ‘the nod.’ We simultaneously returned the nod and kept walking on our way. Sure we didn’t talk to him and he wasn’t who I was looking for, but being noticed never really hurts my feelings. Just the kind of self esteem booster I needed…despite the fact that he was probably, in reality just checkin out my beautiful friend. That’s okay though, a little recognition in our direction was all we needed.

After a few minutes of brisk walk and interesting companionship, we decided to head back to our original destination and find a seat. We walked in and immediately took in the place. It’s pretty small so finding any prospects took no time at all. Just our luck…most people were there with a date! Come on, doesn’t anyone ever go out alone anymore, or with people of their own gender? Or is everyone actually hooked up….besides me?? Well, we did find a couple of guys sitting alone. While we thought to talk to them later, their boyfriends showed up. Picture me just shaking my head right now. Well, despite the lack of possible male companionship, the show was actually really funny. By the time it was over I think I had definitely cried from laughing so hard which also gave my cheeks a much needed workout…they were pretty sore as well.

Speaking of cheeks, after the show was over, I decided to go talk to my old friend who was had just performed. I haven’t seen him in years really so he was pretty excited to see me. He greeted me with a huge kiss on the above mentioned cheek, and a hug that I thought would never end. He’s just a friend but hey, I’d say a nod, and a little man contact from an old friend makes the night successful enough. Besides, he had one other friend who performed in the show that was not so bad looking himself. Maybe a possible, future hook up of some sort? Anyway, fun night, fun friends, happier me!

The News...

I hate stupid girls. The end. Just kidding, about it being the end, not about hating stupid girls. So, I wrote Hopeful #4 a little email yesterday. I said a lot of things that made me scared but that I felt like I needed to say to him. Mostly, I made it clear that I want to date him. I’ve never done this before! Seriously, I haven’t. There’s a first for everything I guess and I decided that if there was any time in my life to be honest, now was it. He has obviously been through too much crap in the past to mess around. You have to be careful what you say to men…especially when you are just getting to know them. I think that what you can and can't say differes with each circumstance though. Anyway, that’s why I was scared to write what I did. I thought long and hard about it for a few days however, and I felt like I said what I needed to say…that it was the right thing to do. My life since pushing the send button has been a constant battle. I know I did the right thing but I’m freaking out, wondering how he will react; I’m biting my fingernails…I don’t bite my fingernails and they’re not even long enough to bite! When I was in grad school which I completed online, every time we would submit an assignment, a little box would always pop up that said, “are you sure you want to submit this assignment?” It was the worst thing ever but last night, I wished that facebook would have asked me if I was sure. At the same time, maybe it was better to stop questioning and just send it.

Anyway, tonight the waiting was over. He replied. He replied with a response that was to be expected. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but definitely not the worst thing either. It was what was expected. The reason it was expected is because he was honest with me in the first place. And let’s be honest now, he doesn’t know me that well so I can’t just break down all his walls after one night where I was a little bit shy and did not fully demonstrate my personality capacity! I have one…he just doesn’t know it yet. All I had to rely on was my good looks which apparently didn’t do the trick. And why would they, he has his hot self to look at every day. What more does he need? Just kidding. Are you dying to know what he said yet? I won’t share all of it because it’s kind of personal but here is part of it:

“It was fun to have someone show interest in me. It really was pretty cool to tell people that someone who doesn't even know me had the guts to ask me to get to know them. We will be friends.” “Thanks for going out on a limb. That takes a lot of guts."

That was nice. He told me that he is not ready to date. I’m glad that he is willing to be friends though and that he admires my guts and doesn’t think that I’m a crazy stalker! Also, he is apparently talking about me to his friends so maybe that’s a good thing too. At least I am not forgettable!

Now…what does this have to do with stupid girls? Well, I know I don’t know him super well but I kinda feel like I do. I think it’s because I have researched him for quite some time and some of my favorite people in the whole world know him and recommended him to me, telling me more about him. I also feel like I am a good judge of character and I can tell that he is a really good guy. That said, how could anyone let him go and hurt him the way they did? Not only did they steal a good guy in the first place, taking him off the market, but they screwed him up, assuring that he would be unavailable to the rest of us for a long, long time. These are worse than the double dippers! I don’t know what she did but I gotta say, I’m not her biggest fan right now. Why don’t things ever work out for me??? I’m really glad he is willing to be friends and I’m going to take that and be grateful for it and hope that as he gets to know me…someday he will be willing to remove some walls. In the meantime, I have to keep trying at my other goals so I’ve got to get back out there and find #5…any takers???

How Am I Doin?

Waiting…still the worst part of this dating game!! It’s been a few days since my date with hopeful #4. Am I surprised I haven’t heard from him? No, not really. He warned me before I went out with him that he is, “the most frustrating guy” and that he isn’t into dating. I emailed him tonight though. I hope that we can build some sort of relationship because I really want to get to know him better. Like I said before, there is just no real great part about dating. No matter how things go for you, there is always some struggle involved. I am so beyond tired of it. Who isn’t though? I know that I have to stay in the game though. I know it but of course my instinct is to pull back, to hide, to be okay with being alone and never have to deal with any of this. The problem is…I KNOW that greater blessings and happiness await me. I have to make it through this struggle first. I have to fight my way through it to find the prize on the other side of this dark, painful, laborious, path. It’s there…I know it!

While I wait, let’s talk about me on my other paths. I have lost a few pounds but am still struggling to find balance there. Today I wanted to update you on my goal to learn more about sports and to further participate in them. As in all of my goals, I feel like I’m a little bit of a slacker here too, but I have made some changes in my life. Often when I am working out at the gym, I will find a sports channel and watch it to educate myself. I have watched, “Sports Jobs with Junior Seau” a few times and have found it very interesting, informative, and entertaining. This is such a great show because it shows you the behind the scenes of sporting events. Instead of just watching a game, I get to learn a little more about what it’s all about, who the players are, and what it takes to pull off some of these events. It’s been fantastic! I also recently watched something about a former basketball star who died the night after he was drafted to the Boston Celtics. I learned a lot about drafting and basketball from that. Finally, when my friend was going to set me up with the boy who likes baseball, I researched baseball terms and facts online and completed more extensive research about his favorite team. Now…if only he would call!

As far as playing sports, I haven’t gotten out to do much. I work out regularly but have found myself to be so incredibly busy lately that I haven’t made time to improve my sports skills. Some things are in the works though. I have talked to the boys at church and told them that we need to play sports more often. They decided that we should play basketball a couple times a month. I agree. Hopefully we will start this soon. I would love to improve at that sport. It’s one that I definitely enjoy. Other than that, I’m still working slowly at my other goals. I’m gonna pick it up soon…as soon as I find a way to make the days a little longer. For now, I’m just going to go back to my waiting…

What's Goin Down in SLC...

For some reason, figuring out what to do on a date is one of the hardest parts of dating. I’m not really the kind of person that is okay with all of the weird ideas suggested in date idea books around here. Maybe if I knew the guy well, or were still in high school… I’m not though. I want to have fun of course, but I also want to be a little more mature. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Look up dating ideas and you should find some pretty cheesy ones. Me…I like to explore the town, find out more about what it’s all about. I have found a few great websites that keep people apprised of the goings on of Salt Lake City, as well as some places of interest that would be fun to take a date. I already went to the Clark Planetarium which I thought turned out great. The guy didn’t like me so maybe it was the Planetarium?? Just kidding, it so wasn’t the Planetarium, we just aren’t right for each other. Anyway, here are a few places that I think would be cool to check out and some of the websites that are also useful pieces of internet space in finding out where all the action is.It doesn't matter if you are married or single or are just looking for something to do in town, it's just a small list of what our fabulous city has to offer entertainment wise. In the summer time I will have way more ideas, but for now, these will do:


The Living Planet Aquarium

http://www.thelivingplanet.com/

(I mean...who doesn't want to see this, right??)

Keys on Main ( A dueling piano bar that on some nights also offers karaoke)

http://www.keysonmain.com/

Discovery Museum at the Gateway (Sure it’s a children’s museum, but I hear it’s pretty cool)

http://www.discoverygateway.org/

Desert Star (A dinner/playhouse. They serve dinner and do cool plays that I hear are pretty funny)

http://www.desertstar.biz/

Fast Kart Indoor Speedway (A little pricey but guys love this kind of stuff and I think it’s pretty fun too)

http://www.fastkartspeedway.com/

Comedy Sportz (They serve food and have some funny people that entertain you…I have a friend performing their next week actually. I think I’m gonna try and snag a date for that)

http://www.comedysportzutah.com/

Jazz Game (This is the local basketball team…just in case you were unaware)

http://www.nba.com/jazz/

Art Museum (There are several)

Hale Center Theater (Also pricey but sometimes a play would be cool to see. The two I have seen were definitely legit)

http://www.halecentretheatre.org/

Heber Creeper (They always have fun events going on and who doesn’t like trains??)

http://www.hebervalleyrr.org/

Also, I found a few really helpful websites for what is going on in town.

www.lifeinthevalley.com/events/html

www.ci.slc.ut.us/visitors/

http://www.studio5.ksl.com/

www.abc4.com/content/about_4/gtu/default.aspx

Hopefully these are a good start. They definitely give you some options. Some of these things(or all of them) are fun to do with your other friends as well. They might be good places to meet guys…if you need to do that. I might be looking into some of them for that purpose, later on down the road.

Hopeful #4

After a long drive getting more and more nervous, I finally arrived at the home of hopeful #4. As soon as he opened the door, it took everything in me to stop the drool from escaping my lips while anthems of joy burst from my mouth praising the Lord….wow, he was H-O-T! Sure I’ve seen lots of pictures, but they do him no justice. This man could contend for a place on ‘The Bachelor’ any day. He immediately gave me a hug which made me feel comfortable right off. The first thing I noticed, besides him (I know, it was totally hard to notice anything else but somehow in my peripheral vision) was his nice house. It’s a great place, well taken care of, and it didn’t smell like boy…impressive! We left in his nice little truck to go to the local Café Rio for a bite to eat. We had previously decided upon this at his suggestion. The food was delightful. He paid, was a real gentleman of course, and made me feel at ease. I just felt really comfortable around him, if a little shy. We have a lot of things in common, like music, which made for fun conversation. We are both in the same profession as well. There were a few awkward silent moments which made me wish that I hadn’t gotten so cocky and had actually studied those questions I posted. I figured that since I had been on a few dates recently, I was good to go. Each one is different as it turns out. Generally though, we talked and it was a good time.

After dinner, we headed back to his place for a movie. He has quite the set up for movie viewing pleasure. He has two couches, each facing each other with a huge movie screen to the side of them. I sat on one of them and he gave me a blanket. I was worried that he was going to sit on the other couch, far, far away from me. Nope…wrong! He totally sat right by me. It felt great to be sitting close to a hot man, watching a movie and glancing frequently at him as he slept! Yep, he was so tired…poor guy. He had a long day. Anyway, he was totally leaning into me so that can’t be a bad thing right? I was glad that I was further from the screen and had a great view of him and the movie. He’s so pretty!!! Okay, there is so much more to him than his good looks but seriously, they were impressive. He was honestly so, so nice though. I think that he was a tiny bit shy too but that was kind of nice.

After it was over, I thanked him and he said it was fun and seemed genuine about it. I made some joke about how I had randomly invited him to be my facebook friend and such and he said he thought it was really fun that I had done this. On the way home, I had just gotten on the freeway and I got a cute little text from him that said, “Thanks for coming down. It is nice to meet you.” That totally made me happy because you know how on a date you can be really happy in the moment and then on the way home you just beat yourself up for silly little things? I was getting to that point of, “oh no, what if he thought I was really lame, etc.” The simple little text was reassuring and I guess we’ll see what happens from here.

P.S…I know I’m not supposed to like him because he doesn’t want to date. He is too burnt from his whole marriage experience, which he didn’t bring up once on the date thank goodness. He was honest with me right from the start and I know that he doesn’t want to like me. Whether he does or not, I know he will fight it because he doesn’t trust people. I hope he could see that I am a good person though and that he will at least want to be my friend…for now.

Prepare, Prepare, Prepare

I have a date tomorrow…a date I’m really excited about! I’m also pretty darn nervous. So far, he is an extremely funny, nice, good looking, honest man. What if I can’t measure up to that? What if I turn out to be really dorky in front of him?? Well, date preparation is a must for me. I have been thinking a lot about this lately and wanted to post for quite some time about the things necessary to prepare for a date (at least for me!). First of all, conversation is a must, so this area needs quite a bit of attention as far as preparation goes. Also, what to do?? In this case, this wonderful, wonderful man actually had a plan and has followed through with it, choosing what to do, what time to do it, and what to eat. He definitely was respectful in making sure everything was okay with me but it is SO nice to have a man actually plan a date. What a relief. I’ve come to realize however, that he is unusual. I’ve done a bit of research lately so I will soon be posting some ideas for dates, or places to meet men, or things to do with your friends around town. Look for this in a few days because I’ve been working on it.


Before going out with Gentleman #1 I came up with a list of questions for him. I have known him for quite some time so my list was a little more refined than it would be with someone I don’t know. I have since looked at my list and revised some things to make it a more general date list question. Since then, I also came across a list of suggested questions in Dr. Phil’s book….”Love Smart.” Using all of them together should leave our mouths pretty occupied the whole night-with conversation of course! Here’s what I have so far:

*Where are you from/where did you grow up?

*What is your favorite place that you have been to?

*What do you like to do?

*Where do you work? Do you like it? What caused you to be interested in this? Etc…

*Did you play any sports growing up?

*What sports do you follow now?

*What do you like to watch on t.v.?

*Did you go to college? Where?

*What is your greatest accomplishment?

*Tell me about your family…

*What’s the most adventurous thing that you have ever done?

*Do you like animals? Which ones and to what extent? (Side note: I’m so not an animal person so this is a secret way for me to find out if they are or not. Okay, it’s not all that secret since I am just coming right out and asking them!)

*What kind of books do you like to read if any?

And, a few from Dr. Phil:

*What was the best concert you’ve ever been to?

*What is your favorite movie?

*What are your top five favorite songs of all time?

*If you could travel anywhere and you had to leave today, where would you go?

ETC….

He had more but I like these the best and several of the questions I came up with on my own were also suggested by the doctor. This is a great starting point though. I don’t usually end up asking all of these questions but I think it’s good to have them on hand (in your memory anyway) just in case you need some conversation fillers. Each of these questions could be followed with several follow up questions as well. I also have to remember to be prepared to answer them myself as well. Actually, some of them I purposely picked, hoping that he would ask me the same. For example, “what is the most adventurous thing you have ever done?” I like this question because I have been parasailing in Hawaii, rappelling, hiking, up in a hot air balloon (that was tied to the ground), etc. I think it’s fun to be able to share some of the things I have done like that. Anyway, the goal is to have good, flowing conversation, and not to have it sound like an interview. Sometimes when I get nervous I ramble though, so I really hope I don't start doing that. If I go over these in my mind, I usually feel better about having something decent to say!

Now, I think the rest of tonight will be spent pampering myself a little so that I can at least feel beautiful when I see him. I’ve got the outfit picked out…it’s gonna be hot! Tonight calls for a good facial and pedicure I think. I’ve been feeling a little off my game this week so I have to somehow find the will inside of me to bring out my pretty and try a little harder to look good. This should help! I wish I had worked out more this week but I’ve been super tired and my back, which has a bulged disc, has decided to completely fail me so I haven’t felt much up to exercise. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world. There is always tomorrow, and the day after that, etc. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go work on me….wish me luck tomorrow!!

P.S...in case you didn't read the comments on the last post...I finished "The Hunger Games." I LOVED it!! I really couldn't put it down. It was a good read so if you haven't read it and you like to read...get it! Okay, back to me.